Have a friend who had a baby and you're on the roster to drop off a meal? Here's everything they want you to know and do, but are too shy and polite to say and ask.
They are tired. Breastfeeding is still awkward and having people around makes it more awkward. The mother is recovering physically, either from a surgical birth, or from the equivalent of a triathlon where the prize was a grapefuit sized head flying out of her vagina. Either of these things makes you sore and tired. They would like to see you, but don't want to be tired out by a long visit. You are not going to stay longer than 15 minutes, no matter how polite the parents are in saying you can stay longer. If your visit/meal drop off scheduled for 5.30. BE ON TIME. Make plans for 6:15 so that you HAVE to leave.
Before you walk in the door, put your game face on. Set a timer, on your phone or watch for 15 minutes. When it goes off, get out of there! Remember that you are going to be a quiet, productive blessing. This visit is NOT about you. It is not about the parents hosting you and putting on a cup of tea so you can sit and visit and hold the baby. Think about how you would feel if you had either had surgery or ran a triathlon. What would you want people to do for you? This visit is about blessing the parents and making their life a little bit easier. Your prize is getting a quick peek at the cute new human.
Here's how to play out your 15 minute visit:
1. Bring a healthy meal. Include a salad or fresh vegetables. Only use disposable dishes. There is nothing more annoying than
a) having to wash more dishes when you have a new baby
and
b) having to try to return dishes to all sorts of random people when you have a new baby
2. In addition to your meal, bring cut up veggies and fruit, unsalted trail mix or nuts, or other such healthy snacks for daytime munching for mom to eat while she's nursing.
3. Go into the kitchen and spend 5 minutes clearing off a counter, washing a sink-full of dishes, loading the dishwasher etc. Don't ask permission, just do it. Then set the table for their dinner.
4. Before you leave your house, put some paper towels and some powdered bathroom cleaner like Commet or Ajax in a baggie. Stick it in your purse. While you are at the house, go and use the washroom...and while in there do a three minute bathroom shine-up, using your paper towels and cleaner.
5. Coo over the baby, but wash your hands before touching it.
6. If they want to eat right then, heat the food up and put it on the table, give everybody kisses and then leave.
7. Take the garbage out when you go.
In and out. This will be the best visit the parents will have had. They will love you and you will be awesome in their books forever. You can come back and have a longer visit when the parents have adjusted to their new normal.
*************
Edited to add:
March 31, 2011
So this really crazy thing happened. A week ago, I had an idea to make a quick and easy list of suggestions for people visiting friends after they had a new baby. I was sitting on the couch and told my husband my idea and we brainstormed the list and I posted it on my blog and shared the link on my facebook. A few days later, I looked at my stats and noticed that my little post-partum list had 2,000 hits. Which totally blew me away, because my blog is small and humble and I threw my post together in only a few minutes. Anyways, it turns out that 2,000 hits isn't that many at all, because as I type this, I'm just a few hundred hits away from 20,000, which, wow! is quite a lot, and makes me sort of embarrassed and wish that I put a little more thought into how I worded this piece...but it is what it is and it obviously resonates with enough people that a couple of thousand of them felt compelled to share it on their facebook. (Thank you very much for sharing it, my new friends!)
Considering how many people are reading this, I'd like to add three things to this post. First of all, I'd like to say that what I really wanted to communicate is that post-partum visitors need to have an unselfish, service-oriented attitude when going to visit the parents and their new baby. Personally, I'd be thrilled if someone loaded my dishwasher or shined up my bathroom, and left after 15 minutes but many people have commented that this would make them really uncomfortable and others have said that they would want and need more visiting time. So, I'd like to add:
- Be sensitive to the needs of the new parents. Serve them, but don't embarrass or overwhelm them.
- Come back when the baby is a few weeks old for a longer visit and help where you are needed. A large number of people commented that they have a large influx of support in the first few weeks and then it totally dries up. I have also found this to be very true, and now, when my friends have babies, I tell them I will bring them a meal and come visit after the other parent has returned to work and the other friends have stopped bringing meals. Many mothers get quite lonely and feel very isolated after the first few weeks and all the visitors have stopped.
- Bringing a small gift for the older sibling(s). One person did this for my older son when my baby was born, and he was so thrilled. It was a very small and inexpensive gift, but it really made him feel special. It was also mentioned that taking the older siblings to the park or on an outing for an hour or two might be appreciated - both by the children and the parents!
- Leave off the perfume. New babies and mothers are very sensitive to scent, and if you are wearing perfume and hold the baby the baby absorbs that scent like a sponge. I personally hate it when someone holds my baby and he comes back drenched in their perfume, and I imagine that it must be very overwhelming for the baby to lose the scent of their mother because their nose is overwhelmed with the smell of a stranger .
- Someone suggested putting a list of chores that visitors can help with on the fridge. This is such a wonderful idea and really address the concern that some people had about the idea of other people cleaning their homes being uncomfortable or intrusive.
- If you do bring in a cleaning product, be sure that it isn't something that is going to cause allergies or break non-toxic rules the family might have. In the same vein of being environmentally friendly, you might want to pick up a thrift store dish for the meal that the family can either keep or donate as they wish, rather than disposable containers.
127 comments:
SPOT. ON.
Amen. Will be forwarding to everyone, everywhere whenever the situation comes around again.
Awsome!!! Absolutely awsome!!
Awesome!! I'll be sharing far and wide as well :)
Fabulous intent, but I think after you've done these things it would be nice to mention it to the family. Not for recognition, but to limit the weirdness. I'd be weirded out if someone went into my kitchen and cleaned up, set my table, and then cleaned my bathroom sink and didn't say anything about it. I'd appreciate it, but I'd still find minorly disturbing. Especially if it wasn't a family member.
That's a good point Kathie, I just assumed that if you were on the meal roster for a new family, you're close enough to them to be comfortable doing, and for them to be receiving, this type of care. And honestly, when I was recovering from my c-section, I would have been happy if anybody, even a complete stranger had come in a loaded my dishwasher for me. We did have a friend who came over once and did magically clean our kitchen without out telling us. I can tell you that it was such a huge blessing and not weird at all.
Best advice ever!
Hi! I am a doula and web admin for San Diego Birth Network.org. would you mind if I posted this on our site with a direct link to your blog? Basically it would show the first paragraph then they would click the read more button and it would take them here. Its a great straight forward piece and I believe it would be a good addition to our resource page. You can contact me direct at douladawn@cox.net.
Thank you
Dawn
Haha love this. I had a friend come visit the day my son was born and I felt like she just wouldn't leave. I still sort of resent her to be honest. If nothing else, the 15 minute rule is a must.
Wonderful! I'm giving this to everyone I know next time I have a kid. :)
WONDERFUL post! The day we came home from the hospital, both families were here, stayed all evening. My Mom cooked up dinner, the family ate most of what she cooked - then left the house and all the dishes for me to wash. Honestly, I didn't really want visitors the rest of my maternity leave because of it. I didn't want to feel like I had to entertain everyone, especially if I was still in my jammies, with no shower and wondering if I brushed my teeth that day!
Maybe baking soda/vinegar for cleaning (provided you know how to use them - read up before you go) because more and more people are trying to get cleaners loaded with toxic chemicals OUT of their houses - don't bring any IN! It's a lovely thought though, just - sans chemicals.
I've seen a few posts like this, and generally I like them. The only thing I'd like to add though is that by the second week, definitely by the the second month, many of the "stay at home" moms I know and work with, especially the ones who have older children, are desperate for more adult interaction and help around the house. You can modify your meal drop off to coordinate with picking up older kids from the bus stop, staying a little bit longer, doing a load of laundry, sweeping, general tidying, making sure mom always has a glass of water and a healthy snack within easy reach, and asking open ended questions and letting mom tell you all about what this transition has been like for her and her family.
We had family show up 3 hours late. They brought their dogs so we couldn't invite them in. It was crazy hot in July & I was 2 days postpartum after delivering a whopper of a first baby. I don't think I'll ever forget that weak feeling as I stood for the first time with my new baby in arms. I learned a lot about boundaries that afternoon. For the next baby, cleaning the bathroom will suffice, thank you.
I had to check out this popular post you mentioned! And yes, it is great advice. Our church provided meals for a week with our second baby, and it was heavenly. All the women were thoughtful and only stayed long enough to coo over the baby and then quickly left.
This is brilliant! I had a c-section with my first and a fabulously awesome VBAC for my second. With the first I would have paid a stranger to help with anything, with the second I was just happy to be ABLE to do anything!
Thank you! Oh, how I wish that my family & friends could have read this before I had my son!
However, I remember one of the kindest things that my friend did for me. I was a few weeks post partum (after having an emergency c-section) and I was in new-mom-fog! The only thing I could think about was sleep and how I missed it desperately.
She called me out the blue and told me she wanted to come over and play with the baby while I took a nap! With tears in my eyes, I could only muster up the words "Please come now." Needless to say, she couldn't get here fast enough! I happily handed him over and headed for my bed when she arrived!
She made herself at home and alleviated me of any obligation to entertain her!
Very well stated! I just wanted to comment -- don't forget to ask mom how she is feeling and go off her cues. With my last birth, the "baby blues" hit almost instantly and I just wanted people around me. I didn't care about dirty dishes. I just wanted someone to sit with me for hours and distract me with normal conversation.
I wanted your blog post after my first two were born but it was different after my third.....so take a few minutes to assess mom and see if she may be needing something different.
What a contrast to when my dad dropped off my aunt (she was staying to help) and asked if he could bring his 2 kids, then 12 and 5 inside. ( I should have said no, but they were my sisters) This was in addition to my own 3yo. The visit only lasted maybe 30 mins, the timing was unavoidable as it was prescheduled. I was 3 hours PP.
Yes, they were gracious and did some things to help, but really I could have used less kid energy.
Great article, and yes, people need to be sensitive each situation is different. Also, sometimes the dad needs social interaction more than the mom, so while the wife may be doing the tidying up stuff, the husband can spend 15-20 mins chatting with the dad in the garage, just to give him his "guy fix" so he can be refreshed to go back and help mom
Excellent post. Why doesn't every friend know these rules?
I wish everyone I know could read this blog post! We had some major issues with visitors when we had all three of our children! LOVE every single idea, and will be doing this in the future for others!
My mother in law went to my house and cleaned while we were still in the hospital. She did some laundry, dishes, put new sheets on the bed, vacuumed, and everything else, it was fantastic.
I disagree with the cleaning part. I can't stand it when people clean my house for me and see all my dirt.... ESPECIALLY with all the "dirt" that is in the bathroom after having a baby. I actually put a sign on one of our bathrooms forbidding anyone else to use it.
I do agree with the 15 minute stay part and CALL BEFORE YOU come... don't just drop in.
Just have to add a note about allergies to the cleaning part - my mother-in-law cleaned my bathroom while I lay on the couch after baby #1 and I ended up with a horrible rash the next day! I don't know what she used, since I don't keep cleaners that I'm allergic to in my house, so she must've brought something of her own that she thought would be better! I was MISERABLE, post C-section and covered in hives! But, I love the quick visit and just do one little thing to help part of this post!
If you aren't bringing them a dinner another idea is to make bagel sandwiches for a quick lunch or snack for mom or siblings (bagel, cream cheese and deli meat), wrap them in tin foil, and freeze. Bring those with you for the mommy to have on hand on a "rough" day. All she'll have to do is pull them out of the freezer and let thaw for about 30 mins or pop them in the microwave for 30 seconds. I did this before I had my second child. It made the daytime a little easier to handle by myself.
Lots of great comments! Thank you for your suggestions. I think that of course, different people will have different comfort levels, and hopefully, if you are delivering meals to the new family, you will know them well enough to know what will comfortable for them. I think the main point is to go with the attitude and intention of practically serving and being a blessing. As is repeated in several comments here, many of us have stories of how guests have overstayed their welcome or created more work by coming. If we can help educated people to have the intent of brief & blessing when they come to visit new parents, I think that is a good thing!
Someone brought up the fact that after a few weeks, moms are lonely - how true this is. There is always a big rush of support in the first few weeks, but as the novelty of the new baby wears off, the meals and help seemingly evaporate. I too have been desperate for a nap and nearly in tears when a friend offered to come over and hold my three month old babe while I slept. I too have felt stir crazy and lonely after a long day feeling like all I did was wipe snotty noses and nurse...desperate for an adult interaction.
Our North American culture in general, is not good at supporting new families, and the fact that guests frequently overstay their welcome when the baby is just a few hours or days old, and then mothers are tired and alone when the baby is a few weeks or months is a clear reflection of how we need to recognize, educate and organize ourselves and our friends to provide better post-partum support.
Please come with me when I visit my potential clients? They never believe me when I say that it's okay to limit your visitors and that they will understand.
Then stay with me as I hijack visitors at the door and share your message.
I remember when my ex-MIL came to visit and stayed 3 hours telling me how tired and exhausted I looked. She did not lift a finger, bring a drink or do anything except want to be served. She didn't even hold the baby.
Love it- and would add that it also applies if you are visiting someone who is post-surgical as well! I have visited friends and family after they've had surgery and have wished I could help them out more- this is perfect!
Beautiful. Sharing!
This rule also shouldn't be limited to a family who has given birth. I had to host 7 people in my house for dinner a DAY after bringing home our newborn child. We'd driven 3,000 miles and lived in a hotel for a week and had just become insta-parents. These are great rules for ANY family with a newborn.
Amen! The only suggestion I might add is that no one should assume that just because they are family/friends/whatever that you want them to hold your brand new baby. I am particularly touchy about this. Babies go from the warm, soft security of their mother's womb to a cold world with people grabbing at 'em. It has to be such a shock! I don't want my new baby being passed around. I don't even ask my friends if I can hold their baby. If they want me to hold them, they will offer.
Oh my goodness that is perfect! This is getting put up on facebook, and forwarded through my whole inbox! lol Good job :)
And for crying out loud, LEAVE YOUR OWN CHILDREN AT HOME!!!!!
I was in bed, 48 hours post-delivery, trying to nurse my brand-new fussy baby, when in walks an acquaintance and her 11 year old son.
Still resent her to this day (and that baby is 17).
Great post! As one who has had four babies at home, there were many who needed to read this beforehand.
Something to add perhaps...do NOT visit anyone post-partum wearing perfune or other overly smelly fragrance. If you accidentally do, do not cradle the baby. Those smells linger long after you leave and are very annoying.
It's usually the people with sense enough to only stay a few minutes that I wished would stay longer and the ones who stayed forever are the ones I wished never came at all. Most of the latter were immediate family.....
Thank you for this!
My first blog!...and I'm 61. Helps me relate to the newness of parenting. My youngest turns 30 tomorrow. I am a retired La Leche League Leader so totally agree with the SHORT visits and quietly doing helpful things. Oh, and the disposable containers for drop off meals :). I have new parents below me in my condos-they came home today. And my 8year old grandson is coming alone to visit me tomorrow--he will get a lesson in "how to visit a new family".
Oh how I loved reading this, I will share it with everyone I know. When I had our third child via c-section everyone in both families invited themselves over for DINNER. :( I was tired, sore and not wanting company for dinner or to have to cook OR have my poor tired husband cook. I should have expected this though, noone really paid any mind to help us out after our other two were born. I have always done exactly what you described, get in get out and hopefully the tired parents could rest a little bit easier.
A+ advice. When we had newborn twins, twice people just showed up and stayed. . . and stayed. .. and stayed. . . and waited for us to feed them dinner!!
Since then, I always advise mothers of multiples to put a sign on their door, "Visitors not welcome. Helpers can only visit for 15 minutes, unless you brought food, then you can help for 30 minutes!"
I also tell them to have a list of chores on the fridge that they would like help with. Then when someone asks what to do, Mom can tell them to pick something off the fridge.
Great post! I would also like to add that it's probably best NOT to bring kids if mom is newly PP; I found my own 1.5 y/o exhausting after my emergency C/S. I could not have dealt with any other children at all, let alone in a gracious way.
Loved this reminder of how to be helpful. Our first grandson is overdue right now, and we really want to be helpful when we pay our first visits.
Lovely.
I also vote for "do not bring your children no matter how old and well behaved they are and even if you're related". Just. Don't.
And one more: please don't bring frozen or partially prepared foods. It sounds convenient but it's not.
This is really lovely. It's so important to remember the new parents' needs and not think that this is just an opportunity for you to hold the new baby! I will say, however, that I while I would have appreciated these things....I would have CRIED with happiness actually...I would have wanted the guests to stay longer. I had a rather traumatic birth and was suffering from some serious PPD/PTSD and wanted the company. I was practically begging people to come see me.
I also think it's worth noting that these thoughtful things...food, guests, spontaneous house cleaning...seem to stop after the first week or so. As a wise, non-parent friend pointed out...it's like a death. People are there for you at first, then a month after they expect you to be back to life as usual! I try to remember that when a friend gives birth now!
Wow fabulous! I will definitely be forwarding this to others. My kids are 1 and 2 yo and honestly I wish more people would come and be blessings in my house still! I have a couple of friends who always wash up when they come over, it's so sweet! My days are usually so hectic that while I love having visitors for the adult interaction, I can't sit down and talk interrupted for more than about 30 seconds and even now I don't want to be running around after a visitor when my kids need me!
Oh and I definitely agree with Jen - please don't wear perfume! I can't stand artificial fragrances at the best of times but smelling it on my newborn's head drove me wild!!
Fantastic Advice!!!!
My rule on visiting new parents: If you're not there to work, you don't need to be there.
Also, Whole Foods sells a "Grab and Go" meal for four for $14.95: a fully cooked entree plus a family-size salad. All in disposable containers, of course.
Last: if the family has more than one child, bring a small gift for each child. Ideal gift: It's one piece and doesn't make any noise.
I live in my very small hometown with my parents, siblings, grandparents and most of my very large family nearby. You can only imagine what our house was like after the birth of our two children. With my son, we came home on a Saturday and on Sunday after church (which I stayed home from) we had 15 extra people in the house for over an hour...not to mention my inlaws that stayed at our house for the weekend...all 11 of them!
Your advice is wonderful! As nice as it is to have people here to cook and pick up, with that many people here it just feels like chaios. I was craving some adult attention 3-4 weeks after though. Where was everyone then?
wonderful advice! I agree with the person who reccomended bringing something small for all the children in the home- sometimes they feel left out during the transition. Another piece of advice might be to wait a couple of weeks to take dinner. Everyone wants to help for the 1st week or so & then, just after you say you'd rather die than eat another casserole, the deliveries stop & you'd give your left arm for a sub-par chicken potpie.
I would like to know some good advice for new parents to turn stop lengthy and unhelpful visitors without seeming rude ... some people think it's just their God-given right to come hold a new baby for hours and are insulted if you ask them not to come. Thanks!
I'll be sharing this on FB! Fantastic advice! I'm currently 38.5 weeks pregnant with #2. When I was due anytime with my son, my sister had asked about visiting. I'd told her that, if I needed the help, I'd probably ask her to do dishes (or SOMETHING) while she was there. Somewhere between appalled and confused, she responded, "So, if I come visit you want me to wash your dishes!?" I said, "Yes! If that's the help I need!" I don't remember her ever visiting us at our apartment; she usually saw him when we were at my parents' house. My mom dropped off a meal for us, but we had little help otherwise. This time, however, we're connected into a church plus I've made lots of mommy friends through the FBC that I gave birth at before. I know we'll at least have more help than last time, though that's not saying much!
This is brilliant. I think I may print it out and hand it out to my doula clients.
I loved it!
I love it, but like the comment about taking cues from the mom. As a military wife, I can say that if Dad isn't home, even if it's the first day home from the hospital, she may need company to stay longer. It can be so lonely and with hormones and emotions still flying. Yes, don't expect her to do anything for you, but sit and chat with her, let her know she isn't alone and ask when would be a good time to come back to visit more.
Our baby is almost three weeks old. This time has gone quite smoothly, but I think that's because I didn't ask for help. Last time I asked and I felt like I was hosting an open house all day, every day.
I guess I could use some help knowing how to express what I need/want? I tried to be really specific last time, but it just didn't work. The biggest help that I could think of was be getting the older (preschool and toddler) children outside to play, so when anyone offered to help, that's what I asked for. People would come over and watch while I got the children into their outdoor gear (big job with little ones!), take them out for a few minutes, then come back in, expecting tea or a meal with a long visit and time to hold the baby. I felt like I never had time to properly nurse her or even feed the rest of my family!
This time I have mostly just said, thanks, but no thanks, and it's been a lot more peaceful.
This is obviously a YMMV type of thing, because I didn't find most your suggestions to be relevant to my own postpartum period nor to those of my friends. Bring fresh fruits and vegetables along with easy to heat meals, yes. Limit visits to 15 minutes? No. Absolutely not. Cleaning my bathroom would feel like a violation of my privacy, my personal space.
wow, people are supposed to help or bring food, I need to pass this on in the even I get pregnant again....the first time, EVERYONE barged in to visit while I was still in the hospital (nice, I know). The second time like 2 people visited us after we were home. My aunt stayed like 10 minutes, which I was fine with, but offered no help of any kind. The second visit was my SIL and she stayed for a while but didn't expect to be fed or anything. She brought a birthday present for our older daughter because her birthday is 13 days after our 2nd daughter's. We didn't get to celebrate her birthday that year because I was just too exhausted from the new baby. I feel guilty about it, but it isn't like any1 else was going to throw a party for her.
THANK YOU for saying all of this!! Four days after having my first son, some family wanted to come and visit. They drove two hours away to see us and wanted to stay for a while. Of course 15 min before they got here, I had a complete breakdown b/c breastfeeding was such a struggle. I answered the door in tears and cried most of the visit while still trying to carry on a conversation. My cousin had her two rambunctious children with her and they were hungry...hinting they wanted to eat. It took everything in me to not push them out of my house after 15 mins. I normally LOVE visitors but this was just too much and since then....when a baby is born I am in and out in a flash....I don't even sit in a chair. Thank you again for the great advice!
thank you! I'm a new follower and saw this post on bringing birth home's website. Before we had kids, we went to visit hubs' sister with her first baby (after 12 days had passed for her to adjust). Everyone was all about THEM. We took her car to get an overdue oil change, drove her around to run errands she wasn't brave enough to take the baby out to do alone, yet, cleaned the bathroom, did laundry, brought food, held the baby so she could shower, etc. and despite traveling 10 hours to get there, we stayed in a hotel and didn't stay long. we were so happy to get that time with our nephew. I only wish family would've been considerate when we had babies! bravo!
@Jen- (March 30 about 9pm)
A close friend of mine took my midwife's directions seriously about limiting visitors postpartum after their homebirth. He husband is also fiercely guarding of his family (though the meekest man I've met). They posted a note on the front door of their home with specific instructions for visitors. Some of the points were:
-Please do NOT knock on the door nor ring the bell. Baby AND mom could be sleeping.
-If you have not scheduled a visit with us, please go home and contact us to schedule one.
-If you are here to drop off a meal, please also wash whatever dirty dishes you find in the kitchen and limit your stay to 15 minutes.
-While we love you, please honor our time and our wishes to cherish this special time as we adjust to our new family. -We are short on sleep and exhausted, and will delight in spending more time with you all in the coming months as we recover.
They had more points, of which I don't recall. They wrote it out very graciously, though. And they turned their ringers off and responded to voicemails on their own time. They secured their own private world. They tend to be private people to start with, so I'm not sure if they got any flack for this, but I doubt it.
Hope that helps!
While I love the suggestion to wipe down a counter or tidy up the bathroom, I would say that the person visiting should find out what the new mom wants/needs. For me, people popping in for 15 minutes just to drop off a meal was NOT what I needed. I needed people to be with me. I needed women to sit with me, listen to my birth story, hold my baby, be a calming presence in those first days when my emotions and state of mind was in turmoil. The worst thing (for me) was to be alone. I begged people to stay and eat with us because I needed that fellowship. People declined, saying we needed time alone with the new baby. No, I needed time with others.
If someone came into my house, cleaned my kitchen, vacuumed or whatever, then stayed and just sat with me, I would cry. It would be such a gift of love. I would take that over a meal any day.
This is fantastic. I didn't have a ton of visitors but did have my in-laws stay with us in our tiny house for 4 days one week after bringing home our first...and while I love them, the first night I cooked dinner alone for everyone and then had to wash all the dishes. The last night my mother-in-law offered to help with dinner and I gladly put her to work helping me but I found out later only because my husband told her she should go help!
Wow-- I will be sharing this. Make sure dad reads it, too. After our son was born, he kept telling our helpers "not to worry about it" when they tried to clean up. I had to take him aside and tell him that unless he planned to do that work himself the second they left, he better leave them alone. Next time I also won't be afraid to tell people what I need. A friend came to visit and took my just-asleep son out of my arms and held him for 1.5 hours while he napped. She expected me to sit and chat with her the whole time. As soon as he woke up and started crying, she handed him off and left. I almost started crying. If I had it to
do again, I'd say "you're welcome to hold him, but I am going to take a shower and a nap myself. Give him to my husband if he wakes up!"
Awesome! I wish someone whould have done this for me!!! Heck, my baby girl is 9 months and I would still love such a visit. LOL!
Seriously. Anyone?
I wrote my list up here: http://cottonwoodjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/visiting-new-mother.html :)
while these are wonderful suggestions (because, really, who doesn't want people to bring them food and clean their house?!), i really have to say people blessed enough to have helping hands should make sure to be grateful and remember some of us go it alone. we are an army family and due to pcs-ing, deployments, etc i seem to always be in a new place, far away from family and friends, when it's time for baby to be born. i've never had a single visitor, no one to make us a meal or help with laundry, and i didn't even always have the help of my husband because of training and deployment schedules. i'm a little over 21 weeks with baby #3 and husband is deploying again a month before my due date and i don't really know anyone at our current post so i'm mentally preparing to do it again. i'm not complaining, we chose to be a military family, chose to have children, and we do the best we can with whatever life throws at us. i just wanted to say that any and all help/meals/visitors/prayers/etc should be appreciated in any form they appeared in. most people have good intentions and i think even newly post-partum and exhausted we can be gracious and appreciate that people want to be involved in our miracle.
I had a C Section 3 weeks ago. I want to print this up and post it all over the house! Brilliant!
As the best friend of a new mom to an 8 week old... and a 2 year old to wrangle too (having had 3 of my own I was an old pro) I go over after class a few days a week. I walk in, bringing coffee and treats for all, kiss the 2 year old and give loves. Then I hug my friend, take the baby if hes not on the boob. And she gets a shower. I change the baby. bathe him if needed. Whatever needs to be done with an extra set of hands. Take the trash out. Grab a load of laundry out of the dryer. I am there for an hour or so. It helps her. I get time with the kids and we all stay sane. My best friend does a heck of a job. Auntie Doe just pinch hits when needed.
as the recipient of Auntie Doe's amazing and selfless attentions, I have to say I am SO thankful for people that HELP!! especially those who don't ask a ton of questions, they. just. help. how, when, where- ever needed, for a few minutes (the 15 minute rule in those first weeks) or even a few hours (on those most blessed days where we even get to VISIT, after everyone is clean!) .
thank you!
Thank you again for all your great suggestions and comments! I've updated the post to include some of them.
I'm also hosting a contest as a thank-you to all my new readers and commenters that came to my blog via this post. Head over here to enter!
http://avital.blogspot.com/2011/04/celebratory-giveaway.html#axzz1IIZkufOR
I love this article. I couldn't stand the "pop-ins" and especially when they stayed long. I didn't want to be rude, but I was so tired. I even had someone "pop-in" at the birth because she was at the hospital for an appointment! Anyway, I wanted to ask permission to use this article on my MOPS newsletter? I will only be handing out about 40 copies and, of course, giving credit to your lovely blog :) We also put our newsletters up on our MOPS website as well. Let me know if that would be okay! Thank you so much... Adrienne Dirtzu
adrienne_2005@msn.com
This is excellent advice--especially about how early nursing is awkward and new moms like privacy! The first two weeks I had to get set up with a zillion pillows and take off my entire top--and I was pumping a lot too and that is pretty private as well. We just had our first baby six weeks ago and some visitors were great--some not so great. The only thing I disagree with you about is the bathroom cleaner--people with a new baby might be particular about what type of cleaning products they use--I know we switched to all plant based during my pregnancy. Also I would be weirded out if someone cleaned my bathroom. Just a thought.
I'm expecting #5 any day. Amen, sister. I wish I was brave enough to post a link to this on FB! Everyone should read it esp. those who have never had a baby!
Post this to your Facebook profile -- I wish I had done this sooner, but it is never too late. Most visitors have been helpful or at least brief, but one set of family showed up without doing a thing at mealtime in spite of some pretty broad hints. After all I did to squeeze out this baby, I felt somewhat offended that they just got to enjoy the results without helping! TG the rest of the fam and friends have better manners!
Generally speaking, our little group (Sunday school class, mom's group, etc) wait until all family and outside visitors have gone before the meals begin.
Having said that, when taking a meal to a family, keep in mind what their situation is. In my case, we were fairly new in town and I was very lonely. I was DESPERATE for company.
The best things people did for me were to come over, sit for a few minutes, and then find something around the house they could help with.
When people came and only stayed 10-15 minutes, I felt like they were checking us off their "to-do" list.
I am not a new mom (or mom at all), but I think these are really great tips. I generally (unless it's family) NEVER visit a PP mom, until a week or so (or longer). I know they are tired, and probably don't need anyone else there. Personally, again..unless it's a family member, I don't feel comfortable cleaning up their place..(bathroom..eww!), but I do agree that they can help..load the dishwasher, fold a load of laundry while talking the mom, etc. Also, deposable dishes are harder to find. But I do agree, it is hard to get dishes back to ppl (esp if you don't see them often. I think 15 min is too short, but hey..maybe I am wrong...but def not more than 30 minutes!!
Most of my friends (and me) use cloth nappies, so I also usually put a load of them on to wash, or hang them out, or get them in when I visit, or put a regular load on, or out to hang. People are usually fine with this, and it really helps as you are still helping but not in their faces for a few minutes while the dinner heats up. Bringing presents for older kids is reallay good, as is saying hello and making a fuss of them BEFORE fussing over the beautiful new baby - the baby doesn't notice who gets fussed over first, but the older kids will, and probably are not getting as much positive attention as they did before baby was born.
What great advice - perhaps the best ideas come straight from the heart without over-analysing them and so your simple, quick blog resonated with so many people. Loving the title of your blog, by the way!
I am not going to have any more children, BUT if I did, I would like for them to read something like this!!
Also, I think that right before birth, moms could send out an email to friends and family that might come and let them know what would be helpful. I am a very private person, so I wouldn't want someone going through my house cleaning...however, I would like meals with disposable dishes, someone to fold and put away clean clothes (a chore I hate), or for someone to offer to run errands to the store if I needed something.
GREAT POST!!!
This is fantastic and I wish I had it before my bubba was born. All our visitors overstayed, we didn't get a single meal provided, no-one lifted a finger to help and almost everyone left my little boy smelling like horrible perfume or aftershave. I was exhausted and tearing my hair out by 4 weeks but I never felt comfortable asking anyone to help.
I would put the rules on the front door, the fridge and on my voicemail message! :)
Love this - so helpful.
I really liked the comments about engaging mum to see how she is doing. (obviously if you are close to her)
Post Partum Depression presents differently in everyone and can be a very intense time.
I almost posted rules on the front door, and a to do list on the fridge - but did not. I see now that I should have.
I would also add, do not expect (or be offended if you are not allowed) to hold the baby if you are a smoker. This is an uphill battle with my husband's less-educated family. They can't be bothered to listen when we explain our rationale. Drives me to tears and rage.
Great read. I am due in June and wish EVERYONE would pay special attention to the perfume issue. It would literally leave me in tears when my husbands grandma would hold my son and leave him smelling of her perfume for almost 2 days. I would have to give him a full on bath and it still would not go away. NOTHING worse then your newborn baby smelling of someones perfume. My moms friend did the same thing so every time we would visit my brothers and I made it clear we did not want her coming around holding my son.
This is a great post and easy to see why it has been so widely circulated! A few weeks before my daughter was born, one of my baby shower gifts from a friend was a freezer full of ready-made dinners. This was truly a godsend, and, when Madison was about six weeks old, this same friend returned and replenished our freezer with a couple more casseroles. It made such a huge difference during those first couple of months while we were making that big leap into parenthood.
Thanks for your insightful blog. Please don't regret the wording; it is simple and eloquent and oh so right on! I am also a doula and I teach childbirth classes. I provide a binder full of relevant articles for my class participants and I'd like to include a copy of your blog, with your permission. May I do so? Thanks, again! Debbie
Well said!... My husband and I sat down with our parents before our first daughter was born and wrote the rule book, they were a little taken back at first, but before we gave birth we were all on the same page... we then revised these rules before subsequent children, we now have three beautiful girls, and no resentment...
our rules...
The first week was "daddies week"... a chance for him to learn to be a daddy, our parents came to see the baby in the hospital, and our brothers and sisters did a QUICK stop in at some point through that week... then at the end of the week we did an open house, for extended family, at my inlaws place, so I didn't have to clean or prepare... and after that if people felt they wanted more "one on One" time with the baby, they were welcome to book a night in the next month to bring over a dinner and hold the baby!...
It worked like a charm!... All family knew the rules.
This is great, and I have one suggestion to add. We had one friend who brought dinner by when our son was born a couple months ago, and on the tin foil she had written, "This is a thank you note-free meal." I thought that was such a nice idea, and resolved to do the same when bringing meals to other new parents in the future.
Wonderful. I would add though to remind people if you are even REMOTELY sick to stay away until you are all better. I can't believe the amount of people who think it's ok to be around a newborn when they are sick.
Great post.
Hello,
Right on! You've said what every new mom has wanted to say but was too nice to say...:)
Visitors are always nice...but I'd much rather have the longer visits when the baby is 2 weeks plus.
I only wish I had the guts to re post your list on my blog! Why don't people get it? My little is 4 months and his grandparents visits still last for hours! Visits should remain reasonable regardless of the age, but definitely in the first days. I am so happy you wrote this and that it's getting the exposure it deserves. nice one.
As my wonderfully helpful mom says: you are not doing a favor unless you do whatever it is the way the person needs it done. I so agree with 15 minutes-- I had a friend stop by and stay 4 hours-- it was the first time I had travelled to my parents with the new baby and I wanted to be left alone, not play hostess or pass her around-- I still resent this friend and that did it for me.
While I love and agree with all points, especially as a home birther, there's one thing I have a problem with. I really don't appteciate the "grapefruit flying out of your vagina" comment. You presented a c-section in a polite manner, but the vaginal birth comment is highly insensitive and uncalled for.
Also, as far as the dishwasher goes, it can be very loud so I would ASK before I did that.
While some people might like that I can tell you that if someone came, cleaned and left in 15 minutes I would probably cry because I LOVE visitors after I have had my babies. In fact when I had my last son (9th child) I cried because no one came to see him other then my mother and mother in law and neither stayed long. I was heartbroken and felt so alone. I wanted everyone to see my baby, love him, talk with me while I nursed him and stay as long as they could. It is important to remember that everyone is different and truthfully I think it is important to just ask the family what they prefer because then you will get it right!!! To this day my heart breaks that no one came to see my son - maybe they were trying to be respectful but I felt like they didn't care!!!
Awesome, I loved it and am sharing! As far as bringing kids I really enjoyed having my friends little 3 year old whom I nannied come and meet my newborn son. Also did not mind at all when my friend came to visit with her 3 month old. My sister in law was very excited for my 3 year old to come and meet his new cousin, her new baby, at the hospital. I think the key is using some common sense in the area of bringing children... and probably only one at a time!
P.S. Your heart for the postpartum mother is beautiful... don't let any critical comments on this post discourage you, you are doing great!
This is fantastic - I hope it spreads like wildfire and everyone gets a chance to read it. I enjoy friends coming by - after all, I do want to show off my beautiful baby - but please don't drop by unannounced, and DON'T take the baby unless offered. And if mama does ask if you want to hold baby, wash your hands first, oooh and ahhh appropriately, and then GIVE THE BABY BACK TO MAMA - 10 minutes max!!! There is nothing worse than having your baby taken away. Some moms might appreciate you holding the baby while they take a shower or other things that they can't do with the baby, but if it's something that you can do for her, do it. DON'T offer to hold baby so she can do the dishes or fold laundry - YOU offer to wash the dishes or fold laundry while she holds the baby. And if you are coming from out of town, limit your visit to a few days at the most. Having company with a new baby can be stressful - and by new, I mean for the first few months at least, not just the first few days or weeks. Oh, one more thing - when asking what would be best, whether it is when to come, how long to visit, what to do to help, etc, ask the new mommy, not the daddy - as much as most dads want to be helpful, they are not going through all the hormone changes, sleep deprivation, and emotions that mom is and often say things like "oh we would LOVE for you to visit for a week!" while mom goes in the bathroom and cries at the thought
This is wonderful advice. Two days after we came home from the hospital, my brother-in-law and his wife called to say they would be over in fifteen minutes to meet the baby. Our apartment was a disaster zone and my husband was stopping by work and Target to pick up some essentials. Anyway, they came over, sans food or gift, wanted to hold the baby (without washing their hands) and stayed for almost two hours. It was awful. I was exhausted and embarrassed and I shouldn't have been put in that position. Looking back, I realize that they were just clueless and oblivious. My sisters, on the other hand, came over with fresh and frozen meals, popped their heads in the room to peek at the baby and left.
I just had my first baby and will be forever greatful to my mom for all the help she did. She came over for a week and basically was the maid. She cooked, cleaned, and didn't expect to be entertained. She also didn't force any "helpful advice" on me without asking if I wanted it first. When my daughter grows up and has her own babies I hope that I am as helpful as she was!
This is great.
To some of the previous commenters... Please don't be shy about asking for what you need. When we sent out our 'announcement' email to friends + family letting them know that our daughter had arrived, we very specifically let them know that visitors were not welcome at the hospital (other than a handful of people we'd specifically given permission to ahead of time). We also stated specifically that we wanted people to call or email to schedule a time to drop by our house and meet her - not until the second week, and not unannounced - so that we could take some time to get used to being a family. I was surprised and so happy to see how people responded. No one was upset or offended (that I know of - and it was two and half years ago!) and many people emailed to say GOOD FOR YOU for asking for what you need.
I would *highly* recommend that other new moms do the same. I would have been a wreck if we'd experienced the random drop-ins that other people talk about.
I <3 this. So much.
If I have a third, I'll staple this list to my mother's front door.
Note I said *my* mother - that's right, ladies. My mother was the perpetrator.
My mother-in-law? A previous L&D nurse. With my first, she had touched down from a holiday the same day he was born. She snuck into my house while my husband was home afterwards, cleaned the kitchen like a madwoman, and left me with wine and frozen pizza. With my second, she busted out of work on a Monday morning to watch our son, and then brought him to the hospital so I could have the toddler-hugs I so desperately missed. Did all the dishes, and then apologized for breaking our clothes drying rack when she overloaded it doing our laundry, and then went out and got us a better one. Truly a goddess among ladies.
I think this is really great advice overall, and I will take some things I hadn't thought about into consideration next time I drop off a meal. However, I get a bit of the "looking a gift horse in the mouth" vibe from this list.
My husband and I recently brought over two meals for our neighbor friends who had a baby. Both times the drop offs were scheduled and we stayed less than 15 minutes. We aknowledged that they are busy and tired and we will get together when they feel up to it. But now after reading your list, I feel bad that I brought them dinner in rubbermaid dishes that they had to wash. I'm embarrassed, like I did something wrong, when all I did was try to help some new parents out.
I'm not a mom yet, but if anyone brings me dinner I will be nothing but grateful. I know it's on a totally different level, but it's like complaining that someone bought you a wedding gift that wasn't on your registry and now you have to return it. Their heart was in the right place, they made an effort to do something nice and thoughtful for you, and I think they deserve thanks.
I've had 2, and both entirely different emotional births - With the first, I was a basket case, couldn't breast feed, and emotional train wreck and just needed space. BUT - I did appreciate all the frozen dinners my family had stocked in my freezer! I was embarrassed to see any visitors immediately... The second, I was THRILLED To get company and also LOVED the freezer full of food.
VERY IMPORTANT: After the first few wks - it is REALLY important to have visitors, esp if you have another older child that needs the attention - a new mom can feel very isolated and alone, and desperate when the older one needs you! That 2nd and 3rd month are hard ones to get through, in my opinion.
Love this post. I just had my first baby two months ago & I really agree with everything you've posted. I think it's important that new moms not feel guilty about these things. The number one thing that helped me was when people called before coming over. Thanks again. I have posted this link on my Facebook page.
Thank you for posting this. I hope the word gets out!
My biggest problem was with the people who visited just to hold the baby - which was everyone. I guess that's what happens when your friends don't have kids. Hours after my son was born, my BIL's girlfriend held him for what felt like forever! I don't even KNOW her!
Days later, my mother-in-law scolded me for not eating enough. I responded in tears: "If someone would make some food I would love to eat it!" Not one person brought us food and my husband just went on with life as usual. I felt so alone. I am definitely going to cook up a storm the next time someone has a baby!
I did learn from my first baby and the next little one will be different!
i am a new mom of a 7month old and your post is EXACTLY what all visitors should read. i love it. i found myself LOVING the people who brought food over as i seemed to be wasting away from nursing continually.
and a small sidenote: i believe all new moms should be exempt from thank you notes for an entire year!!!
I'm pregnant with my third and am going to share this article with all my family and friends. Your advice is SPOT ON! Love it!
Thanks for the post and all the great comments. I'm childless and have been intimidated by visits to new parents, opting instead to send gift cards to food delivery services (which I still think isn't a bad idea).
As someone on the opposite side of the situation, I'd point out that most of the people who visit after a birth want to help and not be a burden, but may not know how. So don't be afraid to politely ask someone to leave, call before coming, or help some other way. As long as you're polite, reasonable people won't take offence.
And thanks again for the advice. Next time, I'll know the major dos and don'ts, and won't be so afraid of making a mistake.
Thanks for this. Wish I had this 2 months ago when my little girl was born. =) I was weirded out about the visitors at first but my husband had to go back to work the day after we brought her home. Needless to say I was craving visitors. By the middle of the first week home I was feeling very depressed and lonely since my husband has to work 74 hours a week. Luckily my mom and my best friend live just down the road. The thing that really helped me was my best friend convinced me to bring the baby and stay the night at her house at the end of the first week. I was so grateful. Her and her mother doted and loved on the baby so much that I was able to relax. My mom would stop by as much as she could and sneak in drinks and snacks and shove them in my cabinets and not say anything about it til she was leaving.
I'd say not to apply your list to all new parents because all of them are different. Some may want to be left alone and not be too busy, but other like I am felt better when there was someone there to help. So if you see a friend, or family member struggling with everything just help them no matter how much they object. They may be embarassed, if they seem frustrated don't be surprised, but they will get over it. Oh and don't tell the new mother how she needs to be taking care of the baby. Just make a light suggestion, or say "Oh that's different I know when I had my new baby I did this.. " If you make the new mom angry because you think your way is better, don't be surprised if you don't get invited back to visit anytime soon.
I love this list. After I had my baby (my firstborn), we had so many visitors, but many of them stayed for a very long time and complained when I wanted to take the baby away to work on the breastfeeding. Not wanting to be rude, and being very inexperienced, I complied, and then had to work very hard for the next seven weeks to get my daughter weaned from the bottle and back onto the breast. Next time I will know better.
Wow,everyone should read this! I had a friend come STAY THE NIGHT the very same day I brought my first child home from the hospital, and not only did she not offer to help me in any way, but she expected me to cater to her, I'm still bitter about it 8 years later!!
Great advice!!
This is a great post - I have 2 girls and we're due in 3 weeks with our third child. #1 was a vaginal delivery, #2 was a c-section. I am planning a VBAC with #3, as long as everything goes well! I think these are excellent and very important points!!!
I guess I understand the intent and I understand how difficult it is to go through childbirth, but I think most of these mothers sound pretty selfish. Having a child is a benefit to society that people want to celebrate. Your friends may come to see you, but most people want to celebrate your child not your parenthood. People should be thoughtful, but it should be your immediate family that's helping, not your extended family and friends. In lesser developed countries women work on farms the same day they give birth so these women's dramatics are overdone. People should not expect to be served by a new mother, but they shouldn't be expected to not hold the baby or be there only to do your chores.
I am jannet,from what I can read. It has been sad news and scam to everyone about Voodoo casters or so. But to me they are so real cause one worked for me not quite two weeks. I traveled down to where his shrine his and we both did the ritual and sacrifice. and now me and my ex are living very ok now.I don't know about you but Voodoo is real;love marriage,finance, job promotion ,lottery Voodoo,poker voodoo golf Voodoo,it's all he does. I used my money to purchase everything he used he never collected a dime from. He told me I can repay him anytime with anything from my heart. Now I don't know how to do that. If you can help or you need his help write him on nativedoctor101@live.com Thank you.
I've always been afraid of visiting friends who've just had babies, and this is exactly why. It sounds to me like most new moms actually don't want visitors at all. Just stop beating around the bush with all these rules and tell it like it is. You don't want anyone around. Geez...people resenting their best friends 8 and 10 years later because they stayed a little long during a visit? That's some BS. Your friend is there because they love you. Period. If you need help, ask for it. Don't be mad because they're not psychic and can't anticipate you're every need. I know giving birth can be very difficult, and it takes some time to adjust to your new life as a parent, and I'm certainly not saying its ok to pop in unannounced at the hospital, or at home, or to pull some nonsense like staying overnight the day after you bring baby home and expecting you to cater to them. But for goodness sake, if you all of a sudden forget the LOVE that your real family and friends have for you, treating them like they're some kind of annoying burden and start resenting them over stuff that is so small in the grand scheme of life? You know what? Keep your baby and your friendship. See your kid at his college graduation.
"i just wanted to say that any and all help/meals/visitors/prayers/etc should be appreciated in any form they appeared in. most people have good intentions and i think even newly post-partum and exhausted we can be gracious and appreciate that people want to be involved in our miracle."
This.
jj, I agree with you. most people have good intentions, and just want to help. they don't need to be treated badly, or resented, just because they tried to help, and it wasn't done exactly the way you wanted. Dinner dropped off in the "wrong" dishes? smh. Point is, they were trying to help. Appreciate that. Otherwise, just say no visitors and be done with it.
I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN I TALK TO EXPECTANT MOTHERS!!! THANK YOU FOR WRITING IT ALL DOWN. This is perfect.
And to everyone complaining about this and how these new mother's are expecting too much of their guests...this is about being the PERFECT GUEST. It is not expected. But it is a big fat PLUS. I was there just 5 months ago. Tired and trying to host my guests. Although I was happy to see them, inside I was so overwhelmed. Then 3 months later, I was so lonely to the point where I was worried about my sanity. Everything turned out fine...and I thank GOD for the perfect guests that I did have and for the helpful family and friends that came over.
This list is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read! I have an 8 month old (and have many other "mom-friends"), and this just couldn't be further from my experiences. I loved visitors (despite medical post-partum complications), returning dishes is a great way to get yourself dressed and out of the house (not to mention a nice presentation), and having friends clean my house or me clean theirs?? Please. Completely absurd. Trash?? You've got to be kidding. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time... daily life still happens.
I agree with the cut-up fruit and veggies. Excellent addition to taking a meal. But the rest of it is just completely over the top and misses the point. Taking a meal is a thoughtful GESTURE and an opportunity to congratulate the parents and meet the new baby. It's not about YOU!
I'm not arguing or defending, this is what it is, take it or leave it. Many people have appreciated this post, and others found it to be offensive. I had absolutely no idea it was going to passed around the internet like it has, if I had a great deal more thought would have gone into how I worded it!
In many cultures around the world, mainly Asia and Africa, the post-partum tradition is for new mothers and their babies to be essentially quarantined for a period of time, often for a month, but ranging from seven to forty days. So yes, women have been having babies for however many thousands of years, but no, women do not usually just squat in a field and then go back to work. While this may occur in some places, where poverty necessitates that a woman must work, infant and mother mortality rates are also high, and this pop the baby out and get back to work thing is not something to be admired.
All good! But please check the last few comments; there is one there promoting a voodoo doctor! Not one of yours, I'll bet! Hugs.
Just stumbled upon your blog and these wise words. Bravo.
I would also add "leave your toddler at home."
with my first born we had visitors EVERY day for a month. aaarrrgghhh. and many stayed for hours wanting to talk about themselves, when all i wanted to do was sit and gaze in wonder at my new baby girl.
rachel
When you tell me you love me do you understand that I love you too?
I have felt heart broken when you said you don’t love me that way.
I thought you where a outstanding person that knew what was going on, just to find out later that you don’t have a clue what you want. I wanted to help you and be there for you when people shot you down and things didn’t go “right”. I loved you for who you where and not what the perfect 10 should be. I was there to listen to you while you complain about people that had low standers, as much as I hated it, I did it for you, people said your fat I said your beautiful people didn’t want to be with you cause they where being mislead and I stood next to you. Now these people have nothing and they turn the person they treated like nothing and you run straight back, WOW the power of love is amazing.
We could have been great together.
But now I see what you where looking for is not a stable rock in your life but a uncontrolled, unreliable person that doesn’t care who they have to hurt to get what they want, and that’s you now, you are becoming who you want to be with. The problem is that I love you, and I can’t fall out of love, to see you and your true colours is what is keeping me for going insane. I think that the fact that you don’t want too acknowledge what is going on in your life, is more heart sore to me. You need a “fuck” buddy and I need a “rock”. There are times in life when I think people need to use others in order to better themselves, but to what length are people willing to go. There will be no more from me to you, what you got from me will no longer be available to you. You will need to find someone else to fill my spot.
A point has been reached that I no longer feel for you as I did (that beautiful woman that just overflowed with knowledge and confidence) before, you now are looking for something that I don’t want to be part of anymore. You need to be looked after, deep down inside you know you do, but right now you want to look after that idiot hold him and love him while he has got nowhere to go no one to believe his lies, but you will for now. As that is something you don’t fully understand and want to understand. Theses things I’m tell you, you will not acknowledge you will not accept but in the end you are but just a piece of time in his life that he wanted you to be. While he builds up towards his ultimate goal, which you will find out not to be you. Or anyone you think you knew. I want to you know that these are my thoughts weather wrong or right I feel that I know people well enough to make my own thought’s about them. One day I hope you find your rock.
Hello,
When I design custom invitations, I offer to design custom postage for my clients to complete the look of their invitation package. The party starts when the guests open their invitations, so setting the tone of the party with the invitation is important. But even before the envelope is opened, the first impression the guest has of the invitation is what’s on the outside.
Thanks for writing the BEST PIECE I have ever seen in this area. I have a radio show www.everythingmanradio.com and my co-host and I attempt to give information like this to men so we will know how and why women do some of the things they do. I have 4 daughters...so far...and I love this information and will provide it in my announcement cards the next time we have a child. Hehe! I have been told I am a little forward and maybe they are correct. I also run a job training program for single mothers and will read this to every class.
Again, thanks for putting this out and helping all communities. I always say we don't have an economy problem we have a community problem and your 15 minute plan will allow more people to get involved.
MC
www.everythingmanradio.com
www.offdachainandouttadabox.wordpress.com
Thank you for this. I don't think I'll be having folks dropping off food, but wow that would be nice too. I actually got tears with the one person commenting their fave friend was the one who insisted on letting her nap and she played with the baby. BEST GIFT EVER. My worry is what to do to entertain the toddler with no sleep (for any of us) and I can anticipate loving anyone who will do this for us in the future. Lovely.
Short visits are a must, but I think 15 minutes is too short as I would feel like I did something. DEFINITELY less than an hour (unless it's the nap offer haha)
hugs and support to all new families out there!
I'm not 100% sure about this :) When my daughter was a newborn, all I wanted was company! I felt like I had entered into a completely different world and I needed to chat and laugh with my friends to ground myself into reality. Having a few of my good friends come over and chat, joke and play music was probably the most healing thing for me post-partum (my friend came over with his guitar and played songs for us and it put the baby to sleep on my shoulder- it was fabulous).
Yes Yes Yes! Just wanted to add another reason to leave your kids at home: is the honest but unkind things they sometimes say! I'll never forget after my harrowing first homebirth having a 9 yr old ask if I was still pregnant :( I cried for an hour after she left. My second born was a lil blue for a few days after birth and I won't tell you the comments that this elicited. LOL Thanks for a great post.
I too found this through pinterest, and this is excellent for me to read! My friend is pregnant and due in October and I am due in January (not looking forward to the summer birth but hey, you can't choose these things sometimes). I'm definitely going to show this to my friends, although I may want some of them around me as support for longer than 15 minutes. And, I don't think asking for some of these rules to be followed is necessarily a bad thing - people react differently, and the thing is you are visiting a new mum. If she's a first time mum she may be flustered and emotional and just want to spend time with her child and her husband, she doesn't need to be thinking about what she's going to do for dinner or what to say to you. Have some courtesy, and if you see that she is uncomfortable then back off. She shouldn't have to tell you what to do, you should be gracious enough to follow her cue.
I am expecting and love this! We have a huuggge family, will have people in from out of town and lots of folks here locally. I was already worried about how I was going to handle this diplomatically, and have realized a loving, gracious email in advance of baby's arrival is likely how I am going to go.
This isn't about being hateful if your guest isn't perfect, this is about learning how to be a great guest to a new mom. People who agree with this aren't saying that they were ungrateful for the other visits, just that it may have been smoother had some of their guests been aware of these suggestions. I am composing an email for all of our friends and family with a loose hospital visit schedule (Day One - grandparents, Day Two - other family and Day Three - friends) along with hospital etiquette (visiting hours, no perfume, call ahead, 2-3 people at a time). It will also include SUGGESTIONS for home visits, such as the fact that we will be focusing on out of town guests the first week, no drops ins, please don't ring the door bell, etc. Setting an expectation and having as much control as possible during a time when you are adjusting to having a new life in your house, learning how to breast feed and recovering from something physically traumatic is important. For some folks, the best support they can receive is company. For others, the best support they can recieve is a little food, some breathing room and prayers. If there is a time in a woman's life where she should be indulged a little, now is it :)
Oh my goodness...I wish someone would have informed me about the post-partum overstayers! I agree with another woman's comment about still having some resentment (even 3 months later)! I had a homebirth and my MIL, along with her husband came to the house on day 2, stayed all day, continued to do so for the following 4 days, only brought a meal once (typically they were expecting to be fed, as if it were a normal visit), never cleaned anything (just made a mess in the kitchen making some weird drink), but of course wanted nothing more than to hold my baby (that was the one thing I wanted to do!). Not to mention, that on day 4 pp, brotherIL, fiancé, nephew (4), aunt, cousin, & cousins kid (3) all came over in addition to MIL & husband (again no one brought US food/snacks/etc)...and as they all SAT on MY couch holding MY baby, I swept my floor because they all came in the house with shoes on! And to take the cake...the BIL got upset with me & my husband when we had to leave to take our newborn to the chiropractor because he didn't get to hold her/spend as much time with her as he wanted! UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE! Will post this article on my fb, email to friends/family and tack it on my front door, when we have our next baby!
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