IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

Three months without a post is a long time. "Catching up" is a daunting and practically impossible task. I think that if I explain why I haven't posted, you'll understand.

I am not the type of person who can hide how they feel. If I'm happy. . .you will know. If I'm angry with you. . .(ask anyone who has known me for a while) you will definitely know. I do not do will with trivialities. How I am feeling comes out on this page. The past few months the how of my doing has been very fragile. Every time I sat down here, I would try to write the day to day mundane moments. I would try to be cheery and trite. But I can't. What I was feeling was raw and painful. So I would sit here and bleed all over the page. And I would re-read it and know I had no desire to share the emotions and issues I was experiencing. I was, as I said, fragile. I wasn't in a space where I could share what was real, and I hate being shallow.

I was in a valley. I look back on it from the other side now. I'm in the sun again, and I can share.

For several months, I was experiencing unusually high levels of anxiety and unexplainable panic. It became progressively worse until I was having incapacitating panic/anxiety attacks. I started to think I was some kind of failure as a Christian. . .I thought perhaps I wasn't praying enough or trusting God enough -- I must be doing something wrong, otherwise there didn't seem to be any reason why I was always racked with panic for no known reason.

After talking to my dad at a hockey game and bursting into tears, we decided that it would be wise for me to talk to my doctor. I went a few days later, terrified she was going to tell me I was crazy. Instead, she took about 15 minutes to talk to me about my life, and recommended I spend some time with a psychologist.

Walking to my first visit was one of the scariest things that I have done. A friend of mine met me for coffee first and went with me to the door. There were a million thoughts bumping around in my head -- and none of them were good. Mostly I felt crazy and was terrified of a professional confirming my self-diagnosis. I was also feeling like a bad Christian -- I thought that if only I'd prayed more and trusted more and repented more and maybe fasted or memorized some verses I'd probably be okay. But I'd failed. And now I was crazy.

So, as I sat there in my psychologist Shari's office for the first time, that's what I told her. I was shocked when she told me I wasn't crazy. I just needed help.

Needing help is humbling. It is terrifying. It means you can't do it on your own. This is revelation I need to have every day. I can't do it on my own.

Shari and I laid out the pieces of my life and examined them. We sifted through my emotions and pulled out the ones that were causing me trouble. Then we talked about them. She would ask me a few questions, I would talk for about 45 minutes and then she'd say a few things. She'd hand me a few small words before I left. And they would be profound. Every time I met with her God spoke through her and gave me deep revelation. I would leave excited -- knowing that the dark days I was experiencing were numbered.

I don't go to see Shari anymore. I learned that you need to know what you're working with in order to work with it. That's what Shari helped me do. She helped me unravel the tangle inside of me. I couldn't do this on my own. I needed a professional to help me do this. I discovered that God speaks through all sorts of people -- not just Christians. I learned that trusting God doesn't always mean "just you and Jesus" -- it also means knowing when you need to open your life to other people and trusting that God will use them to speak to you.

The cause of all my anxiety? The analogy Shari used was this: I am on a freeway looking for the exit. I'm going 100 kilometers an hour. I have a map, and the exit I'm looking for isn't showing up. In fact, none of the exits on the map are here. The road is curving in ways it isn't on the map and I feel lost. Completely lost. I don' t know where I am or how to get off the freeway. I'm in Los Angeles. I've never been here before. The map I'm using is one of Vancouver. It doesn't work in LA. I need a new map.

In March of 2006, my grandmother died unexpectedly. I've never lost some one close to me before. I have a map for all the stresses and anxieties and problems I face day-to-day. Grief is not something I've faced before. I don't have a map for it. By unknowingly attempting to apply my "Vancouver " map to "LA" I got lost and panicked.

Now, I'm making a new map. Once you know what you're working with, you can work with it. I've embraced the process of grieving. I often have days when I am sad. I cry quite easily, but I'm no longer lost. If you see me, you'll know I'm doing well. I'll tell you.