ON THE BOOKSHELF

I've been reading some fabulous books lately, which leaves less time for blogging. Recent reads have all been non-fiction, which is uncommon for me, but has been very enjoyable.

Evangelical Christian Women: War Stories in the Gender Battles by Julie Ingersoll. I got this book out of the library on a whim and was rewarded by a very good, albeit academic read. Most of my childhood was spent in a fairly liberal church which was led by a female pastor. In my teens, we left this church to attend a more conservative congregation. However, in each, women were involved in leadership and I personally have not encountered discrimination, difficulty or limitation due to my gender in church. However, I have several friends who have, some of them in extreme ways, and it was an interesting and validating to read about the struggles, failures and successes of women who are called to ministry. After reading this book, I punched it into Amazon for similar recommendations, and came up with this which I promptly got from the library:

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Katheryn Joyce. This book was a fascinating and fair look at a movement within the evangelical right to eschew all methods of birth control or family planning and embrace every child as a blessing from God. These families are good-intentioned Christian extremists, but their treatment of women and intense focus on wifely submission and what seems to be an aggressive collecting of children via both biological conception and adoption in order to raise "a counter-cultural army" reminded me a little too much of jihading Muslim fundamentalists. It was a little disturbing and creepy. Chris and I had many conversations about the book and the theology surrounding submission and headship, and we realized that much of the conflict that occurred during the first years of our marriage had to do with the fact that I was raised theologically conservative in these matters, and Chris was not. We both had very different, un-articulated expectations of what a marriage partnership should look like, and it has taken us years, and much work to sort this out.

After these two, rather heavy books focusing on feminism and Christianity, I decided to take a break and move on to to the state of women in Afghanistan and I picked up The Kabul Beauty School by Deborah Rodriguez. Having had several friends teach at the University in Kabul, as well as a friend who was deployed there in the Canadian Military, Afghanistan is very close to my heart, and I have heard many first hand accounts of the challenges and struggles of Afghan women. This book tells a beautiful and heartbreaking story about a feisty hairdresser that goes to Kabul and starts a beauty school to teach Afghan women a marketable skill so that they could bring in some money to support their families. It's a risky venture - both for her and for the women she teaches, and it made me laugh and cry and ache for the situation of women there.

Next on the list was were a couple of crafty books for some inspiration...

The Creative Family and Handmade Home - both by Amanda Blake Soule. The Creative Family is a very practical and wonderful little suggestion book filled with ways to create rhythms in your home that foster creativity. Handmade home is filled with yummy projects for a cozy home. While I got both of these books out of the library, I ended up purchasing The Creative Family because I liked it so much and wanted to have it on the shelf to refer to.

And finally, I have two concurrent reads on the go.

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne. This book is WOW, and it deserves its own post, which I will try to write after I've finished reading it. What I really like about it, is that most parenting books talk about "techniques" to manage/mold children's behavior, while Payne talks about the impact the child's physical space, number of toy and amount of media intake affects the child's behavior. It's actually practical and really encouraged me that my aversion to having lots of toys for Corwyn and simply providing him with a few good quality items that foster creative play really has merit.

And last, but definitely not least, because Evangelical Christian Women and Quiverfull really sparked my interest in what the Bible has to say about women I'm plowing through, and loving Finally Feminist: a pragmatic Christian understanding of gender - why both sides are wrong - and right by John G. Stackhouse Jr. It's a really fabulous book so far. I'm appreciating how balanced it is, and how Stackhouse looks very fairly at both the feminist and patriarchal or "complementarian" views and also speaks to the cultural implications of the times in which the scriptures were written. I think I'm going to have to read it twice though, there's too much good content to really absorb in one reading.

So that's what I've been doing for the past month and a half - nose in book. Chris gets mad and says "you go into a whole other world when you read, you don't even hear me when I talk to you!" Very true, I'm a true bookwork. Better than TV!

THE BIG CUT

Corwyn didn't have any hair until he was 13 months. But in the last 10 months, his hair grew at an extreme rate. It is softly curled, but when it was wet, it was well past his shoulders. I was very reluctant to cut his beautiful little locks, but his long hair began getting tangled and matted in the back, he hated having it brushed, it was always in his eyes, and it kept getting caught in his guitar strap - a big deal when he plays his little guitar every single day. So, on New Years Eve we went to see my friend Shannon at On The Fringe.

We gave Corwyn a lolli and he sat nicely for the entire cut. He didn't smile, not even once, but he didn't cry or wiggle. Shannon was amazed that she got to complete a full cut - typically first hair cuts don't go so well, in her (extensive) experience.

And yes, yes I did ask for a Euro Mullet for my child's first hair cut. Because you only get a first haircut once, and so it had better be freaking awesome.

As much as I love faux-hawking his hair up, I do miss his baby curls. Cutting his hair transformed his face, and my baby is gone forever - replaced with a growing little boy. Sigh. Now I know why people always say "they grow so fast".

CHRISTMAS....BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

I thought that I should post a few Christmas pictures before Valentine's Day came around. Chris has been working a lot, but he had a week off for Christmas and it was so nice to have him around and hang out and sleep in and drink lots of delicious coffee and eat pizza and play outside. We went on a grand, snowy adventure to get our little Christmas tree...it sort of felt like murder to chop it down, but it was such a magical day and Corwyn was so excited to bring the tree home to our house.

Corwyn recently discovered ice-skating, and is now obsessed. We have to hide his skates or he would never let go of them. He's so little, and has no balance, but also has no fear. Chris pushed him around on a cone, and Corwyn had the time of his life.

Here is our little Christmas Day photo. Our tree was wee, but we loved it.

Corwyn's favourite part of the tree was the little birds. Each morning when we came downstairs, he would go straight to the tree and say "Hi" to the birds and give them kisses.

A FEW SNAPSHOTS

We have been having some glorious weather and Corwyn loves to play outside. When we are at the park near our house he is his most joyful and fun.

We are hard pressed to convince him to wear footwear other than boots. but with boots this awesome, who can blame him for his footwear monogamy?

This is a family portrait. We love the CFL Family and the way that our lives have become so beautifully intertwined.

Father and son.

World's cutest ring bearer.

Grampie found an elf.

'TIS THE SEASON TO....

Celebrate the season by breastfeeding your baby. Mary did!

A PICTURE OF OUR TOMORROWS

Today is my day off. My day off in my last week of work.

Corwyn and I had a little sleep in, read some stories in the bed, got dressed, had a tasty breakfast of cheerios and yogurt (the milk was sour!) and since then we've been puttering around, laundry, dishes, playing with blocks, reading stories, snack time, all with good music in the background. We took half an hour and sewed a baby sling for Corwyn's doll and then he sat with his baby in his sling and played guitar. Corwyn just brought me his shoes to put on because I told him we're going to walk up to the grocery store. He also brought me my shoes - one high heeled black one, and one flat white one. He has his own idea of fashion! It's a nice and easy day. We have a playdate this afternoon at our house and dinner is in the slow cooker.

We are having a good day and I am glad this this is what life is going to look like nearly every day after this week.

CONSPIRE

I've noticed that Christmas decorations are out in full force, even though we haven't hit December yet. Last year, I posted this and this year...we're doing it again.

THE LEAP

I used to enjoy being busy. I loved slotting appointments into my planner, using nice pens and sometimes stickers. I liked rushing from one place to the next, multi-tasking, with many things on the go. It felt productive. It felt good.

And then we had a baby. Life became slower. We planted a garden. We took more naps. Then....I returned to work in January, and the rush has returned. We never seem to catch up, never seem to finish the list, always seem to have someplace to be or something to do.

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling. I have been trying to put words on feelings that I have not been able to name. I am typically quite an articulate person, so this is a strange feeling for me. I have been carrying an ache, and haven't found the name for it. As Chris and I talked and talked and talked about it - we always came back to one thing...my job.

For the past seven months, I've been working in the community where I live. Walking to and from work every day, working in a field I love, with my son in a daycare I can see from the lunch room. When I first started, it seemed so, so, so perfect. It seemed that "wish list" for what I wanted from a job had been met. I had prayed for a door to be opened and God answered. But as the months went by it became more and more stressful, and less and less satisfactory. For the past several months, I have gone home and cried, not understanding how the perfect job could be so difficult.

And so we made a plan. I would finish out my contract - until March 2010, and I would not renew. I would take a self-employment program, and launch a business doing birth & post-partum doula work and childbirth education. Recently, it became clear that this was not a feasible plan for a number of reasons. And so we coasted. Lived in the chaos and struggled.

This is what a typical day looks like for me: I get up, hopefully without waking Corwyn, who has made his way into our bed sometime during the night. I get ready, and then I drag Corwyn out of bed, rush him through breakfast, bundle him up and out the door. I put my make-up on at work while I check my emails at my desk, drink a coffee, check my voicemails. I rush through the day, my to do list, tasks, groups and events. At lunch time, I walk home and think about my baby, in the day care, away from me. I think about choices. I think about working, and why I hang onto this job, in spite of all the stress and struggle. After work, I pick my son up. We usually have a little bit of time to play at the park before Chris gets home and we make dinner, go grocery shopping, do errands, have someone over, go out to something etc. Then we wrestle Corwyn to bed, and start the whole thing again. It is busy. It is not the life we want for our son.

I just finished reading an amazing anthology of stories of motherhood by Canadian mothers. Called "Between Interruptions" it has the stories of 30 mothers and tells of the transformation involved in becoming a mother and the impact it has on identity, ambition and relationships. As I was reading the story "Thin White Line" by Carol Shaben, I began to cry, because Shaben succinctly expressed what I have been feeling:

"Sacred" is the word that immediately precedes "sacrifice" in the dictionary. It is defined as something that is unassailable, inviolable, highly valued and important Women like me were brought up to believe that our personal aspirations and identities were sacred. So we hang on for dear life, loath to let go of our hard earned uniqueness of self. Instead, we layer on a new life - the life of mother. And what motherhood demands of us is not just our love and desire but a deep cut into the essence of who we once were. A cleaving apart of the life we were once driven to create for ourselves and our new reality. How could any of us be ready?"

This is what I have been doing. I have been layering on my life as a mother. Upon reflection, I find truths in my heart: I am ambitious. I am afraid of losing my sense of self. I am programed by my culture to view career aspirations as nobler than "mother". I am conflicted. I am holding on to the essence of who I once was.

I've said this here before, but on January 24, 2008, there was a birth - not just of a boy child named Corwyn, but also of me, as a parent. I forget this sometimes - that I am not who I once was, and that this is a good thing. And so with this in mind...

In the darkness and conflict
I find faith, and I leap.

I quit my job.

It is a leap of faith. A head first plunge into sacrifice. And it is the one of the hardest - and rightest choices I have ever made. It is a decision born out of the fact that I cannot layer motherhood on top of who I once was. I need to be a mother first. I need to embrace this place, this time, this privilege. I need to invest in my son. So, as of November 27th, you will find me at home, or in the park, the library or a coffee shop. You're invited for tea. We'll be taking it slow.

I'm still an ambitious career woman at heart though. Old habits die hard, and so -- I ordered business cards.

AN ARTICULATION OF SILENCE

I've tried writing this a dozen different ways. I keep hitting delete. Lets start with a fact:

I miss blogging.

But I've been away for so long...I feel like I owe some sort of explanation as to why this space has been silent for so long. Other facts: I don't really know where to go with my little blog. I feel like all the big things that are happening in my life are not blog-able. I am a little afraid to put my thoughts out here again. I'm not sure why...it used to be that I didn't care what people thought of what I had to say. But I am in a different, and more fragile place. Words are powerful things, and with them, I have hurt and have been hurt, and these days, I am feeling the need to be a bit cautious.

On Wednesday mornings, I attend a short language class at work. For twenty minutes, a woman named Jill teaches us little tiny bits of a language that is, for all intents and purposes, a dead language. Why is this language dead? The short answer is that due to colonization and residential schools, the language has been decimated due to a steady decline of fluent speakers. While there is effort to ensure its survival, it is an uphill battle, and I feel privileged to be able to participate. It is a language full of sounds very foreign to me, sounds that do not exist in English. One of them, a consonant in their alphabet is written like this:

ʔ

It is called a glottal stop, and as a letter in a word, is actually pronounced as an articulation of silence. I am absolutely fascinated by this. In Caucasian North American culture, silence is often seen as awkward, and in our modern culture in general, silence is quite rare. We always have music or conversation or advertising or the noise of traffic, the hum of appliances, a plane overhead. True silence is practically unheard of (sorry about the pun, it was unintentional!). And yet, here, in this language that has been nearly silenced, silence is actually an integral part of the the alphabet.

I've reflected on this letter (ʔ), this articulation of silence, often in the last few weeks. I'm a talker, a loud laugh-er, a silence killer. And yet, silence is, as the saying goes, golden. As I've been working on mastering this sound (I'm far from close) I've been recognizing that recently, there are many places of silence in my life. Some of these places of silence are good - moments of reflection and mediation, silent gazes into blue eyes that I love. Some of these places of silence are not good - words left unspoken, conversations avoided.

And then there is my silence here, on this blog. This blog that I have been keeping for nearly seven years. This blog that holds many memories and burdens and triumphs and sorrows and joys.

I have many conflicted thoughts about the purpose and future of my blogging. My tendency is to write honestly and openly. That is how I am in life and conversation, and I have always viewed this blog as a conversation with the world. However, I am in the difficult place of carrying many experiences that I wish to share and write about -- but cannot for a variety of reasons.

But...I miss the conversation of blogging. So. This is my attempt to re-start this blog. I hope there is still a reader or two out there. I'm back in the blogosphere.

A PICTURE > 1000 WORDS

PICTURES

It's been a while...so here's some pictures taken in the last week.


Marital Bliss
Hey! Why did you leave me inside?
He's walking!
Peekaboo!
Morning smiles
The Boy and his Papa
Reflective faces
Thoughtful faces
Sleeping angel
Sleeping in the rain
Funny faces
Kisses
So sad, don't leave me!

And the big news....Corwyn is walking!

25 THINGS

I've been tagged about 5 times for this 25 Things meme, and so I've caved and completed it. It's a sad excuse for a blog update, but it's all your getting for now. I'm not tagging anyone because I don't want to perpetuate the torture, but if you actually like these things, and haven't already been tagged by 27 people on facebook, have at 'er to your hearts content.

1. If I ever quit my job, the thing I will miss the most is the cafe down the hallway that makes my breakfast every day. When I walk in, everyone knows my name and says hello and when I place my order I just say "the usual" and they know what it is. This makes me happy
   
2. I like pop music
3. I wish I could dance better
4. My son is the coolest, awesomest, most fun person ever. I can't get enough of him. And he gets awesomer every day
5. When my husband I were dating, I didn't let him kiss me (even though he tried often) until after he proposed
6. If I'm cranky, 9 times out of 10, it's because I'm hungry
7. I love re-reading good books, and have read some of my favourites dozens of times (not exaggerating).
8. I want to star in a days-gone-by historic period film - preferably one set in the 1800s - because I want to wear fantastically awesome huge dresses and hats for extended periods of time
   
9. I'm outrageously incensed at Thyme Maternity for selling their client lists to Nestle so that pregnant women can be sent formula samples and glossy magazines touting the magical scientific wonders of their shit formula
10. I think placentas are really awesome
11. Although I loved my son dearly, for the first three months I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life
12. I believe abortion is wrong, but I am staunchly pro-choice
13. I forget to eat (see point 6 for repercussions)
14. I just culled my bloglines list - I'm down to 57 from 103. I think I save myself 20 minutes a day by not reading blogs I don't care about but that showed up in my reader anyways.
15. I am giving up Facebook for Lent. Depending on how that goes, I'm open to trashing it completely - or at least deleting most of my "friends" - I'm tired of being subjected to a news feed full of information that I don't care about
    
16. I love sewing and knitting
17. I'm learning how to knit Cowichan sweaters
18. I think American politics are much more interesting that Canadian politics
19. I really want to go to Russia and Poland
20. I have no problem breastfeeding in public because if someone says something to me about it, I know that I can charge them with harrasment as per my rights under the BC Charter of Rights & Freedoms
21. It's embarssing to admit, but I actually like the $1 hot dogs from Ikea
22. There are three non-functioning fire hydrants on our front lawn, we rescued them from the side of the road where they had been abandoned
23. I have begun collecting art images of mothers and babies with the intention of having them on the walls of my office/meeting space when my doula business is up and running
24. I want to be able to take really fantastic photos
25. Memes annoy me, and this is the first one I've ever done.